During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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