The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
