I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
