So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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