sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
