the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
