Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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