she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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