my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
