I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
