I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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