hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
