Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
