if you like me you must not know who I am
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
