just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
