I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Randomize
