We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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