you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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