So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
