She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
