Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she pinky promised me she was 18
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
