Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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