I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
