Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
