My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
