My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
