That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
