I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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