Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
