She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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