i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
