I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
