shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
