just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
