I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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