drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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