fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
