I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
