im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
