Little spoons don't ask big questions
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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