I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Everyone says I win the strip club
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