I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
