i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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