I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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