i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
