I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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