I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
