I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
