my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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