u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
