Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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