Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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