I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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