Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
