Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
